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01:23pm 13/09/2004

I deletes my journal after abandoning it a year ago.

But last night I seriously woke up at 3 am and thought, "NO! You can't do that! There are important entries on there!"

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08:48am 01/08/2003
mood: awake
Is it too late for me to decide I don't want to miss FnF this year? Neither John nor Jenna will be in town this weekend and I have no plans at all. I have gone the last three years. Maybe it would be nice for me to get out of SF for a bit...

I wonder if the 45 dollar ticket is worth it?

And I wonder if I could even get a ticket, and even harder still, a ride?
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02:01am 30/01/2003
  This would be the perfect present.

I've never actually seen the book.
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12:02pm 29/01/2003
mood: ditzy
I just ran into the laundry person. All is forgiven. Mostly because he started the drying right when it was done. And partly because...he was hot! I didn't know hot people lived here.


Well, I'll get my clothes done after all!
11:43am 29/01/2003
mood: annoyed
I set my alarm early today so I could get my laundry done before going to work. I woke up at the alarm and decided another hour wouldn't hurt.

So in that hour of sleep, I dreamed I lived on a campus somewhere with only one washing machine and four dryers. I begged some girl to watch the washer for me while I got some change. I came back five seconds later and some enormously tall strong girl was loading her clothes in. I tried to fight her. I pulled her braids.

Anyways, the fight reminded me to wake up and get my laundry done! I literally jump out of bed and hustle to the buildings laundry right outside my kitchen door. Someone had *just* started washing in our only washer. JUST! A fucking MINUTE before. arggggh.

If they start drying their clothes *immediately* I will probably be able to wash and dry before work. Hopefully. I'm so annoyed. And it's all my fault.

This album would be really fucking good if he didn't alter the songs. Like if he stopped scratching and rewinding, this album would be fucking amazing.

So my karmic sign is so ridiculously right on. I think John was laughing while I read it outloud. There are some lines that really stand out.

Scorpio tends to be one of the most possessive, jealous and suspicious Signs of the Zodiac. Those born under its influence possess a heightened sense of secrets and are always trying to sniff out what's hidden. However, other Signs may be more forthright and direct, meaning everything is out in the open -- but Scorpios will try to find out the "real" truth anyway, perhaps even to the point of creating a secret or a lie where there isn't one. Scorpios must learn the value of trust and privacy. Allow friends and lovers to feel trusted and trustworthy; allow them to choose which parts of themselves to share and which to keep private.

That whole paragraph got me. I had even been struggling with those issues in the past week. The part about allowing friends and lovers to keep parts of themselves private is something I've been trying to work on. I'm really trying hard to realize a man has his secrets and I have to live with people not sharing every little last detail with me when I ask. I try and drag the truth out of everyone and have always been baffled at people who just don't want to know.

Scorpio must learn to self-regulate more effectively, to resist the urge to lash out when hurt, to rise above pettiness and manipulation. Learn to forgive and forget, since holding on to anger and grudges improves nothing for anyone.

Yeah, that too.

I read John's too. His was really accurate too. Again, reflecting issues in the last week we;ve discussed. I still have some ponderings about a conversation we had Tuesday night about *my* future. I might pose it here to see what anyone thinks...
08:38pm 25/01/2003
mood: depressed

I just read that one my oldest, bestest friends is going off to war.

Although I haven't seen him in years and talk to him only occassionally, I still love him very much and consider him one of my close friends. I've never met another person that I could talk to for 6 hours straight on the phone and not feel any akward silence or repeat myself. And his letters to me are still the best I've ever gotten from anyone.

I wanted this livejournal entry to portray exactly how deeply saddened I am. But it's not even scratching the surface.

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09:55pm 20/01/2003
mood: disappointed
The only thing worse than having hormonal related depression and mood swings is having people not understand and blow you off.

It makes everything ten times worse.

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12:24pm 20/01/2003
mood: optimistic
What an interesting weekend. There has been a lot going on!

Friday night John and I trekked out to Ocean Beach for Lydia and Patrice's bonfire. I had a pretty good time there. It was a GORGEOUS night. The sky was clear, the moon was full, and the ocean was...well, it was the ocean. And it's always beautiful. I got to see the girls fire dance for the first time. I was *very* impressed! I didnt know they actually danced while they did it. Silly me. Burning the Christmas tree's were a little crazy. Steph got some great pictures for the night. I got to spend some time roaming the beach by myself too. That was nice.

On Saturday, I had to work. There was the anti-war march going on just two or three blocks from me and I had to be working. We were busier than we ever had been. Usually our line for the bathroom was atleast 5 people long. When I left I caught the tail end of the march. Literally. These people must have slept in or something. There was 1 sign for every 15 peope meandering down the street. I'm sorry I missed it but Stephen took this picture that cracked me up. "Dude, you're getting a NUKE!" *chuckle*

Saturday night John and I went out to Ocean Beach *again* for a party at his co-worker Alix's house. Emi was there! She is good friends with Alix apparently. Despite not knowing a single person besides Emi, John, and Alix, I had a great time. I talked a lot with Alix. I like her. I want her to come to Tahoe with us. Maybe she can teach me some shit. I think we ended up staying until 2 or something. I had a couple beers and got very tired, I passed out right when I hit the bed.

Sunday, John went to the Raiders game and I went home. I had every intention of actually watching the game but things out turned differently. I started reading Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and promptly fell asleep at about 2. I had a long, winding, freaky nightmare (books fault?) and woke up to catch the head coach being interviewed. They're going to the Super Bowl! I'm happy for all you Raider fanatics.

So after the game, John picked me up and we had dinner at Gordo's (yuuuuuumy burrito turned home-made nachos!). Then we watched Whiteboyz in Stephen's room. I don't know about that movie. The main character is so fucking annoying and frustrating. But the climax of the movie hurts my stomach to watch. The movie was a little too embarrassing and a little too intense. I just don't know, man...

I woke up to loudness this morning. The MLK march is going right down my street. It was loud and nuts. I was too groggy to grasp it for a second. "What's that noise? Is someone playing music from their car outside? And beating a drum? whaaaa?"

Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day!!!!!!!!

I don't have to work until 4 pm. I'm going to clean my room and the bathroom, do some kitchen work. And then I'm thinking of heading down to Any Mountain to pick up an application. Gonna have to call you-know-who first.

Good times. I had a great weekend. And this is shaping up to be a productive week! I wonder who is having a party on Sunday.... ?
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Horoscope for the Day   
04:19pm 18/01/2003
mood: happy
PISCES February 18-March 19
A personal dilemma proves too complicated; so don't feel bad about throwing in the towel. This does more good than you sticking around.

That is *exactly* what I was thinking
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02:23pm 17/01/2003
mood: rejuvenated
There is nothing right now that can spoil my good mood. Everything is in place. Even my cat is being sweeter than usual. He slept with me for hours this morning. And when I say "with me", he was literally curled up next to me and resting his head on my arm. We were spooning! Thats a nice way to wake up.

And it's fucking NICE outside. I walked to work to pick up my paycheck and I had to shed two layers. Thank God for undershirts. I don't work until 4 pm. It's nice.

I may be going to work with John? More on that later.

I love payday. It never lets me down! oooh that reminds me. I have to pay my phone bill now. :)
I guess....   
01:40am 17/01/2003
mood: indescribable
...no matter what you say, you will never change how someone feels about you. I don't want to believe that everyone can be so inherently self-absorbed. Unfortunately, I don't think anyone wants to look outside themselves.

There comes a time when you have to stop fighing yourself. I like to hold feelings back because I like to get along with people. But after a long struggle, you just have to let certain people and places be erased. If I hold too much in, it just spills out in a rage eventually. Everything I've been thinking for years sometimes can't be contained anymore. And it's a shame that others have to witness the breakdown. I don't know any other way though?

I've always had this line. Everyone has a line. Mine just seemed pushed back a little further. I've been known to let people disrespect me and walk on me more than once. And I forgive or just let it slip. Or I hold my real anger back. I don't like to cut people loose. Sadly, when we finally reach that line...it's over. And I know from experience, you don't ever get back on the happy side of the line. Once I'm done, then I'm done (as seen with Elise, Monica, Tyler, and a few others).

Although I have increasingly severed ties with a large amount of people and spent less and less time doing what I used to do or going where I used to go, I finally feel detached. A lot of you haven't seen me around as much or things aren't the same anymore. They're totally not. I lost interest in just about everyone and everything and started finding new things that made me happy. Honestly, I don't like going to raves anymore. I haven't for a very, very long time. I don't like drinking alcohol or going to big parties either. Maybe I lost my fun. Yet, I still feel happy. I've lost my patience with a lot of people (and I'm sure you have all noticed in the last 6 months or so).

I had a nice talk with Stephen on the way home from Incognita tonight. I finally vocalized my feelings about my life. He offered some good adivce and listened very well. I'm glad he did. I got to say some things I was a little freaked out to say. I got to acknowledge that I wasn't really happy with social circles and certain cliques. I had grown tired of it all, but didn't really know how to go.

uck, I'm rambling. Basically, I'm closing a big fucking chapter in my life tonight. I haven't felt at home in a long time but it's been slowly been going up in the last few months. I'm detatched...but I'm grounded somewhere else. And that's ok.

I feel good now. I feel a little more at peace than I have ever really felt.

Bye Bye Chapter.
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I'm really sick of the Bitching.   
07:39pm 15/01/2003
mood: Scattered
I've been hearing a lot of spoiled, self-absorbed brats whine lately about their lives. They have literally made small, mataerialistic things seem like the end of the world. I was *laughing* when I read a few LJ's today. It was all so petty...Shut the fuck up. Seriously. Stop whining.


I think I'm going to look for a new job. Starbuck's wants me to take a paycut. The district I was hired in pays 75 cents more and hour than SF does. And it doesn't seem like my new district is willing to continue giving me my original salary. My manager has told me, "I'll have to ask my district manager" three times now. Fuck that. AND THE TIPS SUCK! Wow. People in the city do not tip well. I got almost twice as much a week in San Rafael. This makes me sad. I moved out to the city because I couldn't afford to live in Marin for much longer. Everything is cheaper on the whole, but now I'm making up to two dollars and hour less then before. So it all ends up the same!

My coworker said that San Francisco Starbucks pay their barista's the lowest wage out of every other coffee shop in the city. The average is around $9.50 - $10 an hour plus tips. They want to cut me down to $8.25...If they cut my salary, I'm quitting.

Anyone know of any job openings? I wonder how much Nicola made at her shop. Niiiiiiiiicolaaaa?


I was at work by 8 this morning so I got off a little after 2 pm. I had the whole fucking beautiful afternoon to myself. What did I do? I sprawled out on my bed and read Further Tales of the City which I got from the library yesterday. I finished it already! yippee! This one kind of ruled even though it was HORRIBLY farfetched. I mean...Jim Jones didn't really die and he kidnaps DeDe's kids? Brian proposes...and then gets STABBED three times...and lives?! It was kind of ridiculous. But it was interesting. I already started Babycakes.


I almost, ALMOST, took a nap this evening. I'm so glad I didn't! I managed to get a lot done. I finished all my laundry (there have been items I have been meaning to wash for atleast two weeks). I set up my kitty's new area. I vaccummed. I got rid of the last of my moving garbage. I researched all the coffess shops in the area and took down some addresses and numbers. Yeah for getting stuff done and not copping out to take naps when they're not needed.


I lost close to 100 dollars in over draft fees this week! COOL! :(



I am starting to feel kind of sick. My voice goes out on me a little bit. I have some coughing spells. I feel lethargic and stuffy.

And I look shitty too! I am all fucked up looking. Even the inside of my cheek is fucked up.

ahhh someone help me. What can I do to rejuvenate? I need to destress.


I have grown more and more aware of how many times I start a sentence with "And..."

And I hate it.
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11:21pm 14/01/2003
mood: sick
I suck at drugs.

I took a half a melatonin a little bit to ensure I fall asleep at a decent time. I was wound up all night and climbing walls. 20 minutes after the half, I got all sluggish and lame. I feel sick to my tummy.

God dammit I hate pills.
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Question for my Friends   
10:08pm 14/01/2003
  Am I a crazy, whacked out girl for wanting to take strip dancing classes?  
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05:35pm 10/01/2003
mood: dorky
I should have never signed back onto sfraves. It's been something like seven months without it. I GOT BORED. God, help me.

Yes, Yes, yes. Rent is paid. All my current bills are paid. I bough groceries and shower stuff. I can pay John back. And now I have....13 dollars left until payday (not including the money I took out for the Punchline tonight) :( laaaame. Can I do 6 days with only 13 dollars? I hope so.

It's really fucking hard for me not to blow my money. I dont even think. And I spend it on crap! I buy soda and batteries and fast food lunches. How the fuck can I manage myself better?

What's new? Oscar is out now. We started leaving my door open yesterday and everyone is adjusting well. Sutecha and Oscar wrestle a lot and Hamlet just kind of ignore everyone. He's been good. I haven't had any litterbox problems with him. AT ALL. Which makes me think maybe he never did. *shrugs* hard to say.

I had my first day at my new store yesterday. M'eh. The two girls I worked with weren't bitchy...they just weren't overly friendly. Although when we close they did say they were pretty impressed and that I had an awesome first day. Someone stole all of our MOTHERFUCKING tips. It's one thing if you come in and steal a tumbler or steal a bag of beans. It's another thing to steal a full day's worth of tips from all the employees. That is *not* fucking cool. Friends list, come to my work. Tip heavily. Sadly though, my new store is very strict. In San Rafael we could just give family, boyfriends, or really good friends free drinks while we were working. Sure, we weren't *supposed* to but nobody cared. Apparently you can get fired at my new location for that. So sorry folks, I'm not going to be handing out free drinks left and right. Maybe if you came on my break I could grab one for you though.

"You're mother and I weren't online, WE DID LINES! Yeah yeah. And there were ninja's on the lawn trying to kill us!!"

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11:09pm 05/01/2003
mood: accomplished
I'm all moved in! yay! I live in the city now...how odd.

Everyone kept saying I wouldn't be able to sleep with the freeway so close but it didn't even bother me. I passed out and slept for 8 hours without an interruption.

Oscar is a little weirded out about staying in this room for a few weeks. He is already getting restless. There is a fenced rooftop right outside one of my windows. I'm going to explore it tomorrow to see if it is safe for him. I think he'd like playing out there.

My room is huge! I fit my queen sized bed, my futon/fram, my desk, a bookcase, my dresser, and three end tables and I still have a decent amount of room left. I'm just wondering where I'm going to put my wardrober, when I get one that is.

Stephen is being really helpful. My computer got all fucked up during the move so he's letting me use one of his. I can't believe how fast this is now! I've always had dial-up and dsl is a HUGE improvement. I've already downloaded ten songs from John this morning. I love it.

John and I are going to go have breakfast with hikaru now. Then I have to shop (it's my brother's 18th birthday today!!!) and get back to my old room and clean it up. I have to pick up my deposit and I still have some of my stuff in the room. I have a nice busy day ahead of me. I have to get my mail forwarded, change lightbulbs, go to the bank, and just random shit like that.
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09:02pm 03/01/2003
mood: apathetic
Right now, I'm a little unhappy. I was looking for the "moody" mix CD Anton made for me but I can't find it anywhere. Something foul is afoot. I am moody and I want my moody CD, god dammit! I settled for Lovage, but it's not the same. Not one bit. Not that Lovage is bad, they're good! It's just not the melodramatic sighy music I'm looking for.

I'm not quite sure why I feel so moody. Maybe it's my complete lack of motivation. I'm moving on Sunday and have 1/4 of my stuff packed. I just can't muster up the energy to refold clothes, sort clothes, and box clothes. Especially when my box tape SUCKS. It barely sticks to cardboard. It also doesn't help that I have ripped open two of my packed boxes to look for the perfect New Year's shirt and my moody CD.

My lack of motivation is everywhere though. I almost didn't make it out of bed today. I left at the last possible minute and made it to work right at 8:59. I just sat in bed, dressed, with my cat and contemplated calling in sick.

"You're exhausted and sore, V. Call in sick.
No...don't be irresponsible. You hate flaky co-workers.
But I've never called in sick before and I'm normally the perfect employee.
You'll be a hypocrite.
Maybe I'll ask to go home early.
They'll need you to stay. Don't be a bitch. Just get up.
*whine* no, I can't do this today. Too tired. Too sore.
Then don't go snowboarding and wear your body out if you're not willing to go to work the next day."

After 15 minutes of arguing with myself and an extra, extra long shower, I hauled my ass to work. Might as well, tomorrow is my last day there. And today was PAYDAY (not as much as I expected...is it ever?). I start working at two locations in the city on Tuesday. Bush and Grant and Fourth and Market. Maybe you should stop by sometime for some coffee? :)

I intended on going to the bank after work and then coming home and packing and cleaning. I...did just the opposite. I shopped and ate pizza on the way home. I played around online. I took a bubble bath. I sat in my bed with my PJ's on and cuddling my cat. 9 pm now...What a waste of an evening.

However, I needed the bath. I'm not nearly as sore as I have been before but I really got a work out yesterday at Northstar. I ventured off the path and into some trees a couple of times yesterday. I really enjoyed the powder when I got the hang of it and could move freely. But I did manage to get stuck a couple of times. I even hit a tree! A motherfucking tree. Luckily I wasn't going *that* fast. John even had to pull me out one time. I'm finally able to complete runs without tumbling a ten times. I still took some bad spills but they were few and far between. I even got some hoots from liftriding boys! :) It feels nice to see myself improving. Although I briefly cried in frustration when John brought me to a steep black diamond run. I could barely stand without slipping and crashing. I cried a little bit, yelled a little more. I stayed away from the Backside after that and worked on my stance and technique.

GIRLS! I need help :( It's about birth control. I've been on the pill since my 15th birthday. I'm really quite sick of swallowing it every day. And I hate the weight gain. I stopped taking it last year and dropped almost all of the 15 pounds I gained 4 years ago. But I hopped back on the pill and gained it all back. I am thinking of trying the shot but am completely terrified of getting a continous period and possibly more weight gain. Ack! What do you think? Anyone have postive experiences with the shot or another form of birth control? How common is it to have the side effects I mentioned? Norplant looks like it kind of rules but its REALLY expensive. Advice?

I need a nice massage on my neck. Somehow, I always fall with a quick snap of my neck. Like whiplash. John says it scares him to see me fall. My neck is always sore for a day or two after riding. I wonder how I can stop cranking my neck when I fall?

Am I going to go pack now? Maybe. I don't know. Shit.
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04:47pm 25/12/2002
mood: frustrated
I've been at my parent's house for almost 24 hours. I feel like I'm going crazy. My grandmother keeps walking around in circles, taking down curtains, reorganizing the fridge. My brother is throwing hissy fits if someone looks in his direction. My father is working a 12 hour bodyguard shift on Christmas with a bad head cold. I've come to the realization that my mother has changed (more on this later in the post).

I've been watching MTV since 10 am. I haven't really watched TV in months. Maybe once a week I'd sit down and watch a show or two. I had no idea how behind I was on MTV! I didn't know the Queens of the Stone Age was made up of people from other bands! I recognize Dave Grohl and the bassist. Who are the other two? Christina Aguillera is dressed in her new video! She doesn't look like a hooker! I've been subjecting my nana to Missy Elliot, Busta Rhymes, Good Charlotte, etc all day. I also made her watch Super Troopers. She just tsk's a lot and shakes her head. She's let me know she doesn't like "that rap stuff" a couple times now.

I can feel johndoja rolling his eyes as I say this but...I really like Jay-Z and Beyonce's new song (the old Tupac one). Especially when he says, "So don't let the neccessary occur. Yup!"

We opened all of our presents last night. I got a lot of kitchen stuff. Like pots and pans and stuff. I'm actually happy I did though. I like having my own kitchen arsenal. I got some stuff for my cat, some PJ's, some giftcards, a sherpa jacket, and some other random little things. My aunt is over tonight and we have to exchange presents with her. She gets the best gifts. Hands down. Coolest aunt ever. She's an Irish Rastafarian so I got her some reggae type shit. She agve me one of my presents early because she wasn't sure if I'd like it or not. I decided to keep it. It's a tin lunchpail but the design is from an old 1930's department health poster. "WHOM HAVE YOU EXPOSED TO SYPHILIS?" ha.

I have poison oak again and I am God damned pissed off about it. That's why my cat is an indoor cat. Who lets someones cat out without consulting them?! *sigh*

So about my mom. I think she's an alcoholic. My dad was always the alky in the family. But he was no big deal. He'd have a couple screwdrivers or a couple glasses a wine a night and then go to sleep early after slurring "I love you's" to everyone. We were never too concerned about it. He was a harmless drunk. And he could stop when he felt like it. He thought vodka was making him fat so he stopped drinking for a few months. Without any problems.

But my mom...Jesus. Everytime I've been over in the last few months, she'd be loaded by the middle of dinner. Last night I had to take the wine glass out of her hand and pour the rest out. She told me, "There's beer in the fridge honey" when I took her wine. She thought I wanted to share it with her. An hour later I had to wake her up from the couch and tell her to go to bed. My aunt just handed her a bottle of wine and she said, "Thank God! I was running low." Ugh. I don't really know what else to say except I'm sad.

Am I the only person who likes Missy Elliott?

Merry Christmas!
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09:52pm 17/12/2002

*looks at the current world's population* You must have a lot of frustration then.

What pisses you off?

Created by ptocheia

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ow. I hurt, I hurt, I hurt.   
12:55am 17/12/2002
mood: exhausted
After an afternoon of snowboarding yesterday....I can't move. It's difficult for me to tilt my head back to drink from my Gatorade bottle. It takes me a few minutes to get dressed and undressed. I have to lift my left leg with my hand to cross my legs or put on socks. Work is hell cause I have to use my shoulders so much.

Fucking ow.

But yesterday was a very productive day. I made a lot of progres. * A LOT * I feel a lot better about boarding now. And I feel in control of my board now. yay.

I just finished a book I bought on Friday night, The Nanny Diaries. It wasn't spectacular or anything but the authors sure knew how to bring out hate in the readers. I wanted to track down a WASP family, any WASP family, and chew them out. I get way too into my books. I was actually fuming when she didn't tell the family off. And they aren't even real!

My face doesn't feel so great and I'm starting to get a little sleepy. I definitly need the sleep time to recupe.
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